2018 was a tough year for me. Many weren't aware and will be surprised to know this but for most of 2018, I was depressed. Depression overtook my life after the death of my cousin Jhalien as he died suddenly along with his other cousin in a car accident. The depression had been building due to years of low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, and my addiction to pornography, so it all came to a head with this. After Jhalien's death, I spent the next 7 months searching for answers In regards to his death and my freedom, but it was as if every time I put my foot outside of the jail cell, he shut the door on me and pushed me back in. In those 7 months there seemed to be One answer I searched for the most and that was why....Why did this have to happen to me and my family? was one of the questions I asked myself and God almost everyday. Another answer I searched for was validation from God to ensure this would never happen to me or my family. The last answer was comfort. I needed to feel comfort because I was in pain for so many months, dreaming and experiencing these things. IT WAS HARD!! I literally stared the enemy in the face and was confronted with the thoughts of death snatching The people whom I love and it lingered in tormenting thoughts every single day. I was in a battle mentally and spiritually as the enemy would tell me things like, “you aren’t gonna live that long” and “what if your mom died, what would you do?” I wanted to be free, but I felt like I couldn't get there. It seemed to be no escape, but all those chains-low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, addiction to pornography- that were holding me back fell off when I decided to surrender to God, admit that this was bigger than me, ask for forgiveness, and relinquish it all to him. That began the process to freedom!!! Never did I think something so tragic as that loss could cause my lowest point and ultimately launch me into the person I am today...Strong, Bold, Confident and Free! Some might be asking, "Why is he telling us this?" and "How Can this Impact my Life?" I am telling you this because I don't know who might be reading this, and what you might be going through, but maybe me telling my story and letting you know it only was by the grace of God that I came out of my depression may shed some light on your way out of whatever you are dealing with. Listen, I didn't know where to turn or what to do. I talked to my mom everyday but still felt the hurt of wanting to get out, and I even lost my passion for worship, but God turned my sorrows into joy and dancing. I decided to embrace my depression and accept what was, ask for forgiveness, do the work on me with God, and follow what I heard God tell me in July of 2018 when he said,
Release. For anyone who might be reading this, my advice to you is OWN YOUR TRUTH. Don't feel ashamed about what you went through, know that God will use it for his glory in order to impact the world just as God told me on December 27, 2018,
"Your Testimony will be the World's Breakthrough"-God
For years, I suffered from low self-esteem and an addiction to pornography. I am a big guy and for years I didn't like me. I felt stuffed in my clothes, I felt that girls weren't attracted to me, and I felt like I was judged all the time (it never happened, but I made assumptions). Due to my insecurities I was hindered during worship as I didn't jump, run or do anything to express myself freely because I felt that I would be judged by my peers and people amongst me. I wouldn't play sports because I felt that I wasn’t fast enough or good enough to play. I felt that people loved my voice but hated how I looked. This caused me to run to porn. While watching porn I felt relaxed, comfortable, and I felt good enough, but it was not healthy for me. It was only intoxicating me with corruption from the enemy!
Finally on July 28, 2019, I confessed to God that I wanted OUT from it all! I wanted to be free from porn and My insecurities! it was sooooo hard because I felt attached to it, like it was my only way out of the low self-esteem and depression. God responded to me on July 28, 2019 saying,
"It is hard because you desire something that is not me. Your worldly posssessions are cursing your ministry. You are to never watch this again for it will do no good for you. Listen for me when you need help, not the devil, but me. When things arouse in your life, run to me and not porn. The devil tricks you into the assumption that porn is the thing to watch, it is not. You are to not watch for it brings nothing but turmoil. You are to watch none of it for I direct you."-God
He got me ALL THE WAY TOGETHER!
From that day on, I walked in my victory. God freed me from ALL OF IT!! Now I jump, dance, run, play sports, express myself freely, and everything in between! I have not watched pornography in months!!! Does it get hard? Absolutely, but I run to God and not to worldly things. It is my assignment to encourage anyone who feels depressed or suicidal that God has a purpose for you. We hear it all the time, but it is true! Don't run to porn or drugs or possessive things that the enemy throws at you for he only wants to kill your purpose. Run to God for he can handle any problem and take away any burden for his yoke is easy!! I want to end this post differently that I usually do. Today I'm going to pray for the depression or addictions that may be hindering you from entering into a realm of freedom.
Father God, in the name of Jesus I come to you right now thanking you for today and everyday you allow us to see. I want to pray for anyone who reads this, whether they believe in your word or not, and I want to break the spirits of depression and suicide and addiction, and I command them to flee from your people. I curse the hands of the enemy and send him back to the abyss of hell from widst he's come. I speak to every demonic force that lurks around children and I speak PEACE, FREEDOM, JOY, LOVE, AND CONFIDENCE!! It is in the name of Jesus that I pray, AMEN!